It will never be GOODBYE...

It's been a rough 2 weeks and I honestly don't know where to begin. We wake up EVERY morning and realize this is not a dream. It's a horrible nightmare that we relive in our minds over and over again.  I don't think we will EVER be okay with what has happened.  I feel as though it's September 2011 and I am just living my old life again. It's like I was never pregnant, never had Micah, never stayed at CHOP and never had to kiss our peanut goodbye.  Will it ever be real?!?!?  I can't grasp it.  I try SO HARD to remember those days at CHOP, those late night pumps, those walks across the street to eat, waking up in the middle of the night looking for a missed call from a nurse and most importantly Micah's cry.  It's seems like it was ages ago that we were doing those things. Grief is a strange strange thing.  We found ourselves so NUMB to the pain that we barely shed any tears at Micah's funeral. We decided to keep the service small (just family) because we were not ready to address the world yet and we know Micah would have had an amazing following.  

Micah's service was held on Saturday 9-1-12 at 11 am.  It was PERFECT!  Snover Givnish Funeral Home did an amazing job. They had a beautiful collage of all of our favorite pics of Micah Girl and that same collage was turned into a slideshow with IZ's Over the rainbow song playing in the background. 

 It was a perfect tribute to her life.  We had asked a few people to speak at the funeral and they did an amazing job.  My cousin Erin had sent this poem to me days before the funeral and I fell in love with it so I asked her to read it. She was hesitant at first for obvious reasons, fear of sounding like a blubbering idiot...LOL but in the end she was honored to speak for Micah and she did an AMAZING job!

To the Child of My Heart

O precious, tiny sweet little one,

you will always be to me

so perfect, pure and innocent

just as you were meant to be.

We dreamed of you and of your

life and all that it would be we

waited and longed for you

to come and join our family.

We never had the chance to play

to laugh, to rock, to wiggle

we long to hold you, touch you

and listen to you giggle.

But now your're gone ...

but yet you're here.  You are

our sorrow and our joy, 

there's love in ever tear.

Just know our love goes deep

and strong.  We'll forget you never.

The child we had, but never had,

and yet will have forever.

Here is Erin and her adorable son Jack! Thanks for reading Erin, I love you like a sister  =)

We had an amazing Minister named Scott Mitchell who ran the entire service and actually sang a pretty cool rendition of "Jesus Loves Me" and "I Can Only Imagine." We sent him the blog the night before the service and we told him he had to read it for homework. We figured it was the best way for him to fully understand the road we had just been on with our little girl.  He did his homework and we gave him an A+. He actually had his own experience with his daughter at CHOP so my blog had brought him right back to that and he was able to relate to us very well. We knew right then that he was a perfect match for us. In between his kind words about Micah and his awesome song, my sister Holly and Nana (Bill's stepmom) also got up to speak. Nana was the next reader and she wrote this beautiful prayer for Micah.  It sums up exactly who Micah was and how our lives were when we were with her (try imagining a cute southern accent while you're reading this).... 

Most heavenly Father,

Hear our prayers as we gather in Your Holy name.  Our hearts are filled with grief today; yet we celebrate the 48 amazing days we had with your most precious angel.  Micah, has been a blessing to each of us.  As tiny as she was, she was big in heart and shining in beauty.  She touched each of us in meaningful ways that we will treasure for the rest of our lives. We thank you for preparing Bill and Michelle’s hearts to undertake the honor and privilege of parenting Micah – for the unconditional love they showered on her – for the devotion and commitment they gave to her. We are grateful to the awesome team of doctors and nurses who cared for Micah.  For without their knowledge, skill, and compassion, we would not have had her as long as we did.  

What a joy and blessing little Micah has been!

Micah was a fighter, and in her own big way, she witnessed to everyone who met her with her striking eyes the deep abiding love that You have for us.  We stand on your promise of eternal life, and we know that Micah is with You in your Holy kingdom – pain free, full of joy, and embraced by loved ones who have gone before her.  

Father, we thank you for Micah’s amazing love for her incredible parents and family.  May Your Holy angels surround her and welcome her home with joy.  We will miss her very much, but we thank you for giving us unbelievably warm and tender moments with sweet, sweet Micah.  We will cherish these memories, and Micah will always have a special place in our hearts.

Most gracious Father, we lift up Bill and Michelle who need your love and grace more than ever.  May they always feel Your loving presence in their lives.  We humbly ask that You hold them close to Your heart and comfort them.  Surround them with Your peace knowing that they gave Micah more love than humanly possible. 

Dear Father, we pray for comfort and strength for the days ahead as there will be many tears.  Continually remind us that ‘Thy will be done.’  Bless each of us and guide us as we go our separate ways.  Until we meet again, we heart Micah.  In Christ’s most Holy name, Amen.

We love you Nana!

My sister Holly was the last to read and she read this perfect poem. She again was keeping secrets from me and didn't tell me about it, so this was one of the few times that I cried at the service: (grab a tissue)

Daddy please don't look so sad, Mommy please don't cry.  

Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.   

Please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.   Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.

         You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.    

         I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.  

         I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.

         Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.  

         You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.  

         That's me in the summer showers,  I'll be dancing in the rain. 

         When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.

         Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.

        When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,  

        Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.  

        So Daddy don't look so sad and Mommy please don't cry.

        I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!" 

Ughhh, it gets me every time. I think my keyboard is soaked.

Here is Holly with her expanding perfect little family....

I LOVE you Hol and I honestly don't know what I'd do without you, Dave, and Jul. A special THANKS to my rents (parents) for giving me the best family on the planet.  

Moving on.....The funeral was emotional but in a good way. I found myself smiling a lot more than I thought I would.  We really felt like it was a celebration. We did not have a casket. Instead, we had a beautiful picture of Micah surrounded by our hand prints, her foot print, a book that my Aunt Jo Anna and cousins had made for her and of course her cute little itty bitty box of ashes. She was also surrounded by beautiful flowers sent by the Burns family, the Finazzo family, and the Seal family. I don't think I forgot anyone but forgive me if I did. Not having a casket there, set the tone.  Just seeing baby caskets makes me cry and the thought of my baby being in one made me CRAZY. We are so happy with how we handled everything, it was a perfect celebration for Micah.  The best part was we weren't saying goodbye because we know she will always be with us.

Here are our hand prints that we did together with Micah a couple days before she had passed....

Here is her 3D footprint. I am obsessed in LOVE with this, I rub it all the time. I can feel every wrinkle on her foot. Ughhhh I hate that I am at the beach right now and I can't reach over and feel it.  Yup, I'm actually crying right now because I can't touch it.  I'm such a baby...LOL! 

Isn't it PRECIOUS?!?

 We can't thank the nurses enough for this. They thought of everything! Our brains were so fried we weren't  thinking about anything else other than holding her when she was with us.  We can't wait to raise enough money through my donate button to really show these nurses how much they are appreciated. We want to buy all of the nurses in the NICU something ridiculously awesome for their break room. If you were planning on donating to CHOP for Micah please donate through my blog.  That way WE can control where the money goes.  If you donate on the CHOP website we have no idea where that money goes. Either one is COMPLETELY appreciated so thank you in advance for your kind donations!

Another way she would always be with us was through these amazing necklaces that the funeral home offered to us.  They had a whole book of different kinds of jewelry but we knew we wanted her close to our hearts so we decided we would both get necklaces.  

Why we heart these pieces so much.... 

because of the small compartment within each piece specifically made to hold a pinch of ashes. When we heard this, we were SOLD. What a cool idea?!?!  It took Bill a while to pick what he wanted but I knew immediately. I saw this heart and I just knew it was perfect considering Micah's "heart" themed blog. Bill ended up coming across a dog tag which was a really MANLY choice, that I loved.  He was so excited to be able to get Micah's name and dates on there too.  Now we both can carry her around with us wherever we go! 

I'm not sure when we decided this but at some point Bill and I both thought it would be awesome to spread some of Micah's ashes at the beach where we vacation every summer.  Micah never left the hospital during her short little life but she was at the beach with us before she was born.  We thought it would be really comforting to come down here every summer and know that we would be sitting with her on the beach.  I'm sure all of you know that our dream of playing with Micah on the beach was one of our favorites and this is the next best thing.  

Nana got us this when she found out our plan.....  

LOVE 

 For the past 4 years we have rented from this amazing family that we met through RV(the school we teach at).  They have been so kind and generous throughout the past 4 years and to top it off they told us that we could come down here if we needed to "GET AWAY." So here we are at their adorable house having an amazing time. We want to thank them for their generous offer.  We love you guys =) 

Here they are.... 

The Teschkos 

 Nicole and Kyle

We got down here on Wednesday night and we will probably stay the weekend.  Micah's 2nd month birthday was yesterday (Thursday, Sept. 13, 2012) and we knew it was a perfect day to scatter her ashes.  We spent the whole day on the beach just talking, laughing, and crying trying to prepare for what was ahead.  We came back to the house around 3pm to clean up and eat. We had planned on heading back down around 6pm in order to start the whole process around 6:16pm.  We had mixed emotions all day.  We didn't like the feeling of letting her go but at the same time we know she will always be with us.  We like to think she is just somewhere else waiting for us. We've never wanted to be "somewhere else" so bad. 

It's time to put one foot in front of the other and enjoy every step of the way!

Here we go.....

We are trying to find just the right spot to write her name in the sand.....

 

We tried three different times and the waves kept washing it away.  Micah always knew how to make us laugh at tough emotional times.....

Micah's favorite accessorie....

The most generous girl, who stopped her entire life to come take these photos, brought us these beautiful flowers, Thanks BECK!!!!

 

We used some of Micah's dried out roses from the funeral to send away with her.....

(My mom's brilliant idea)

 We also blessed the ocean with holy water (from her baptism) to prepare for Micah's arrival.....
(another great idea from my mom)

The time had arrived....

Micah was baptized with a seashell and we thought it was only right for her to be held by one....

We don't have pictures of us scattering her ashes because we took a video instead.  Don't worry you will get to see the video eventually. We are doing something special with it. Stay tuned....

One of my favorite pics= True pain emotion (watching the video)

Cute but awkward pic of us about to kiss.  I would normally delete this but there was something about it.  I like to imagine that Micah is squeezing her big lips in between us! 

See ya soon Micah Girl.....

We heart Micah!

A special thanks to Becky(college BFF) for her amazing work with our photos.  

I will never forget this day thanks to YOU.   

Here she is paying her respects to baby Micah....