I'm sure you are all wondering"well....how the heck do you get out of that hell?" If you are grieving the loss of a loved one my only advice is to start small and do simple simple tasks around the house. Some days you will just go back to bed but others you might make big strides and end up taking those small tasks a step further. Before you know it you are at target talking with a friend you hadn't seen in a couple months and also buying a shit ton of stuff you don't need or you are outside going for run. Just like the poison ivy grows and grows, the same thing happens in reverse, you take one positive step and you find yourself at the top of a hill looking down at everything you accomplished. You feel empowered and you want to do it again the next day. The trick is to not look up at that hill thinking it isn't doable. Don't look up just keep looking down and focus on moving your feet.
I am currently in that positive spiral effect right now. I never thought I'd blog again but I took that first step and let my feelings out and now look at me go...I'm letting the feelings flow through my fingers as I type each week. It's so therapeutic that EVERYONE grieving should type their feelings. We can type a whole lot faster than we can write and it feels like we are ridding our minds of these thoughts and feelings faster than we ever could before. I am climbing that hill each day and it doesn't feel like a daunting task anymore. I am back to teaching, working out like usual but not obsessing about it(that could be another whole post in itself, maybe another day), meeting up with friends to catch up on their lives(even though those days can set me back because I end up rehashing my recent weeks but it still feels good to speak to humans), and finally I am LIVING and thinking normal everyday thoughts again. The grief will never consume me AGAIN! I refuse to let it. I have worked way too hard to dig myself out of that poison ivy, I want to feel free EVERY day and so the uphill battle continues. My life will never be easy but I have to remember the set of tools I've learned along the way in order to live my life as healthy as possible.
I recently created a "dream board" in order to force myself to focus on everything I want from this one life I have. I am trying to keep the positivity flowing and it honestly makes me feel so good to look at it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I have complete faith that I will make all of the things on my board HAPPEN and happen SOON! I refuse to sit back and wait. I will have everything I want and more because I deserve it and I want to the be the person to reward MYSELF. A good friend keeps reminding me that " GOOD THINGS ARE GOING TO HAPPEN" and I get excited every time she writes me those words. BRING IT ON! I'm ready.
My dream board list:
1. Travel the world
2. SOULMATE (One day, someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else)
3. Wedding of my dreams (Get married under a beautifully lit tree with a massive heart(representing Micah's presence) on the trunk)
4. Rocks = BALANCE (doing everything in my life in moderation and not obsessing over ANYTHING)
5. LOVE ME in every shape, every emotion, EVERY DAY (love yourself first and everything else will fall into place)
6. Power over my thoughts ( Once you become consciously aware of just how powerful your thoughts are, you will realize everything in your life is exactly how YOU allow it to be)
7. A beautiful loving FAMILY
8. ALWAYS SHARE MY STORY (never stop talking about Micah with others including strangers)
9. Declaration of Intention ( This year I will "find balance." I will let go of the "anger" and embrace the "grief." I will honor "my daughter" and love my "self." I will stand up and share my "heart" with the world.
10. JERF (Just Eat Real Food) - Real food= nourishing, sustainable, and delicious/ Healthy living is why I'm smiling/Happy taking care of my body/ Working out gives me Energy
11. ALWAYS GIVE (giving is the antidote to emptiness)
I hope I've inspired you all to create your own board because we ALL deserve to reward ourselves with EVERYTHING we want in this ONE life we get.