Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Life After The Storm

Miracles happen all around us.  Some of us are blind to them. Some of us see them but don't REALLY see them. Being in tune with your body has a lot to do with whether or not you are open to receiving them.  My definition of a miracle is when a moment occurs and something happens inside of your body.  You are moved by this INTENSE sensation.  It could be a smile, instant tears, a laugh or just pure happiness deep within you. For example, when Micah was born, the instant I heard her cry I cried.  It was innate in me, I couldn't control it.  It was the purest miracle I had every experienced.  I had just heard the voice of my very own little being that I helped create and nurture into this world. No words for that feeling. If you have never paid attention to what brings you joy in life then it's about time you start. Write down a list of ten things that made you genuinely happy in the last 24 hours.  You might be surprised to find that one of those 10 things could be seen as a miracle.  Life goes on every single day.  Our routines overpower our brains and we just GO GO GO. Through my experience, I have found that taking breaks and appreciating the small joys that come my way really enhance my day to day life.  Things really start to spiral in a good way when I do that. Lately, I have been so overwhelmed by all of the positive things happening in my life that I struggle to journal about them because there is TOO MUCH to write.  Say whaaaaaaaa?!  Can you believe I just wrote that?  Who am I?  I always find a way to write shit down.  What is happening to me?

I know what's happening...I am feeling so much, that I don't want to stop and write, I just want to keep feeling what I am feeling. This is a new kind of day to day life for me.  For so long my grief controlled my every move in life and I had to grind to find happiness.  I had to FORCE myself to see it and revel in it by writing it down so I wouldn't lose it. For the first time in a LONG time I don't feel a need to write.  I don't fear the dark days anymore. I am not worried about the happiness fading. I am no longer feeling this desire to grind for it either.  I just wake up happy.  I never ever thought that would ever happen. I am fully aware that there will always be tough mornings, afternoons, days, minutes, months, weeks, etc. Buuuuuuuut right now I am happy and I just wanted to share it.

I know there are a lot of people out there that are going through their own tough experience.  I want them to know that happiness is possible.  I actually believe that when you have endured something traumatic, the happiness that follows is the deepest, most meaningful type this world has to offer.  I am so grateful for my grief because..... HOLD UP....sorry I'm gonna take a quick break from writing to tell you that RIGHT NOW as I type this I am crying because a miracle just happened.  I was about to type the next word and Micah's funeral song just came on my pandora and before I could even take a breath I had a tear streaming down my face.  I am crying and laughing as I type right now because this is what life is about.  This is a feeling that makes me FEEL ALIVE.  It's proof that my body feels an energy that cannot be explained. The combination of joy and sadness combined into one expression is rare.  It's special to all people that grieve any type of loss. I just had a physical, uncontrollable reaction to a tune playing on my computer.  It's 9:47am on Wednesday, April 19, 2017 and I just experienced another miracle. Everything else in my life just becomes a blurry background in a crisp and clear photograph of Micah's face. My priorities get pushed to the front of my brain and I see my purpose in life clear as fucking day. Sorry for my language but I just feel so powerful with these words.  I am meant for more.  I am meant to share my experience on a bigger platform.  I am meant to be breathing right now.  I am meant to give all of this love I have in my heart to EVERYONE I encounter.  I am meant to teach people HOW TO LOVE. I am meant to receive love. I am meant to open all of your eyes to the miracles that happen all around us. Once you begin peeling those eyeballs open you will start living the most meaningful life and the goods will show up on your doorstep.  You will be a magnet that just sucks all great things your way.  Before I end this I am going to finish my thought I had earlier before that miracle stopped me in my tracks.  I was saying...I am grateful for my grief because... it woke me the F' up and forced me to really SEE me for who I am and what I am capable of.  I still don't know the capacity of all that I will do in this world but what I do know is that right now, I AM HAPPY and EXCITED for what's to come!  There ISSSSSSSSSSSSSS a light at the end of the tunnel, there ISSSSSSSSSSS a rainbow after the storm and learning to dance through it all is one way to go.  Never stop dancing and open your eyes to the wonderul mircales that happen all around us. If I can do it, SO CAN YOU!!!

                                                     Micah and I have faith that you will endure.
                                                                       JUST KEEP GOING!

Here are some of my favorites miracles and moments that take my breath away...

I heart you Micah!