Something incredible has just happened. I have spent the last 3 days listening to a book on my audible app. The book is called "The Light Between Us" by Laura Lynne Jackson. I find myself OBSESSED with books like this. The books I'm talking about are books that discuss crossing over to the other side, speaking to loved ones who have passed, receiving signs from them, and just hearing so many different stories about other peoples' tragic loss, along with the incredible love stories that follow. This specific book is about Laura Lynne who is an English teacher at a high school in New York but she has this secret life as a medium/psychic. She shares the story of her life and it is FASCINATING. I clung and anxiously awaited on every. single. word. that would come out of her mouth. I learned and cried and learned and cried. I felt like a sponge that couldn't get enough water. I felt like I could absorb an ocean. It only took me 3 days to listen to her 8 hour and 36 minute book. Because of her book I am sitting on my couch right now at 11:08am on Sunday morning on April 10, 2016 in silence listening to my washing machine washing away the saturated sweat covered workout clothes that I wore this morning at the gym. They might have also been tear covered clothes.
My workout this morning was beyond wonderful. I walked for 50 minutes at the highest incline at a speed of 3.0mph. The walking wasn't necessarily the best part of my workout, although my butt will for sure thank me later. The part that was so great was that I spent about a total of 30 minutes sobbing as I walked. The words and stories that I heard in this book were just hitting every part of my emotional grieving self. I connected on so many levels with this author and her stories of helping "the grieving" heal. I felt like she was healing me just through her book. I wish I could better portray the effect this book has had on me. I just can't put it into words but what I will share, that might make those little hairs on your arms stand up, is this incredible moment that has just happened to me only 20 minutes ago.
Here we go...
I have goals. They are bold. They are big. They are scary as shit but that is what I love most about my goals. If they don't scare you to pieces then they aren't big enough. I am terrified to tell people about them because that little voice in my head will creep in and tell me "you won't ever do that or pshhh... yea right Shush, you're crazy." But what I've found is that the more I open up and share my goals out loud the closer I get to achieving them.
So here they are:
1. I want to be a fitness model. I know so superficial right?!? But NO, that's not what I mean. I see it differently than just having a shredded body on a cover of a magazine promoting the best ways to get the body of your dreams. I have a different vision. I have this clear picture in my brain of me being on the cover of something with a strong body and even stronger message. The words that will surround my body on this cover will be about how I have endured some tough things in life and how eating healthy and being fit has SAVED ME! It will be a story of survival, growth, LOVE, healthy living, connecting with others to heal and so much more. So that's my first goal.
2. I want to share my story on a huge platform. I am not sure what this entails but I get excited every time I think about it. I just know I am supposed to continue sharing Micah's story and spreading this awareness for having compassion for others for we have NO IDEA what their story is.
3. I want to travel the world with my soulmate. I just want to experience all parts of the world before I leave it. I have a new appreciation for life ever since Micah was born and I am itching HARD to get out and see every inch.
4. I want to be on The Ellen Show, sitting in that white chair next to her. Not sure what I'll be talking about but I just know I will meet her one day and we will hug. It will be a powerful moment for me because she was one the few people in this world that could make me laugh through my grief. I am grateful for her. She made me forget about my sadness for an hour every single day. I OWE HER ONE!
4. My last goal is something that I didn't necessarily come up with on my own but it's been told to me so many times that I've just started believing that I should do it. When people tell you things over and over again you start to listen and really see what they're talking about. When I started this blog almost 4 years ago I was told for THE FIRST time in my life that I am a talented writer (specifically story telling). I NEVER EVER thought I was a good writer. I was horrible with reading comprehension and expressing my thoughts to people. Therefore, I just assumed I was awful at putting my thoughts on paper. It's funny because one of my biggest frustrations in life is when people misunderstand me but when I'm writing I am able to express my thoughts and feelings without any doubt that they might misinterpret. When I write I can revisit my sentences and read them from the perspective of my audience and feel what I am expressing, making it super easy for me to be UNDERSTOOD. I LOVE IT! So my last goal is to write a book one day about my love story for my daughter. I have so so so much to tell. Although because I have so much to tell it is really overwhelming to even start.
BUT here I am, starting. =) Yes, that is what I am doing here on this blog, blogging away again. I have been guided to this very seat on my couch, macbook pro on my lap, listening now to the beeping of my finished washing machine, and feeling excited about what's to come. The reason I say I was guided here is because the minute I sat down on this couch I received THE MOST UNBELIEVABLE sign. (this is the incredible thing that I mentioned in the beginning of this post)
About 4 hours ago I was on the treadmill crying and asking Micah to send me a sign of what to do next. I have been struggling with the fact that I have these HUGE goals that I set months and months ago and the only action I take every day to reach them is working out. Getting stronger is just one part of my 4 major goals. I've been desperately searching for the next steps towards my other goals but nothing was happening. How the heck was I going to share Micah's story on a bigger platform? How was I going to write a book? When will I meet my soulmate to travel the world with? It was all so overwhelming. After listening to that book this weekend I have been trying to really open my eyes up for more signs and "pulls" towards the path that I am supposed to be on. I've been going to different places and stepping out of my comfort zone hoping things will pop up or hoping Micah will send me a sign that will spark some inspiration. So as I walked and cried this morning I told Micah that I surrender. I trust that she will lead me to where I am supposed to go and I will no longer try to force things to happen. Can I just tell you how BIG SHE DELIVERED!?! I was in the shower thinking about my day and what I was going to do. How I have to go to my Rowan field hockey alumni game later today but I didn't want to because it was so flipping cold and I just wanted to stay home and watch the Masters golf tournament on TV. I was also thinking that I just wanted to sit on the couch and reflect about the book I just finished. It had made me so emotional that I had to take everything in and maybe write down some of my overwhelming thoughts from the last 3 days. Well, I get out of the shower, put my mascara on because I'm naked without it, threw my favorite PJs on, turned my TV off, sat on my sectional, grabbed a blanket, a pad of paper, a pen and I began writing. I wrote two huge paragraphs one dated 4/9 and one dated 4/10. By the time I finished the second paragraph my hand hurt(what a wuss) and I remember thinking, "You idiot, just type this shit. You are such a fast typer and you think even faster so your thoughts will flow a whole lot easier." Then I thought, "maybe I'll blog about it?" So I grabbed my laptop from behind me on my desk, unplugged it from the charger, opened it up and immediately went to wehearmicah.blogspot.com. I typed in my username for google blogger and before I could tab down to type in my password I heard something from upstairs, "Solemate is now connected." (I am crying again now as I type this because it was so FREAKING AMAZING.) I had just listened to one of Laura Lynne's stories on my way home from the gym about how our loved ones LOVE to use electricity to communicate with us and if we are not open to it then we might miss those signs. My bluetooth speaker was on during my entire shower, as I always jam out to music while I get ready and I definitely turned it off before I came downstairs to write. (side note: my speaker has the same durability as a sneaker sole so it is called "solemate") But as I sat there about to enter my blog and begin writing, there was that voice, clear as day, "Solemate is now connected!" My head popped up immediately, I was in SHOCK. "Did that just turn on by itself? OMG...Laura Lynne's book. They communicate through electricity. Micah!!!!!" All of those thoughts were streaming through my brain. I could not believe it. If I hadn't turned off the TV I would have never heard it. I know it was Micah communicating with me. She was telling me "Yes mom! You are supposed to write. You are a great writer and I want you to tell more people about me and you and how much we love each other. I want you to share how people that pass away are always with us just like this scenario." I was BLOWN away. My cry was uncontrollable for at least 3 minutes. I was also laughing at the fact that I always call Micah my soulmate and I feel like I use that term A LOT. I think it's so cool that she chose to use my solemate speaker to communicate with me. I just was so THANKFUL and just ... I don't know even know. I'm still in shock. That was one of the most memorable moments of my life. She made that speaker turn on to tell me that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. In that moment, I could feel her cheering me on as I began to type.
As I typed and typed things became even clearer. Then I discovered this...
All of my goals can all be achieved in one simple way... A BOOK! This is how...
GOALS COMPLETED! Powerful shit right there! I am fully aware that my goals could change and my vision could be just a guide to something even bigger. Who knows?! But today will be a day I never forget. I was able to discover what my next step should be... blogging again.
I am grateful for my path, my love, my soulmate Micah, my ability to be open to her signs, and Laura Lynne Jackson for sharing her story, helping me heal, and showing me how to open up.
Side note: I got an email at 10:45am saying that my Rowan Alumni game has been canceled. THANKS MICAH! <3 Now I can keep on writing.