Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Best Movie Everrrrrrrrrrr- "Remembering Baby Micah"

This is my ALL time favorite movie everrrrrrrrrrr!  We hope you like it and enjoy watching it as much as we do.  Of course, the first 10 times we watched it we bawled our eyes out but in a weird way we liked it.  Sometimes the best part of my days are when I cry uncontrollably, it is such a healthy release {can't explain the feeling}.  I feel like it's my way of communicating with Micah.  The weirdest thing is that I have NO THOUGHTS while I am crying, it's just a PURE genuine sadness. No "I miss her, I want her back, why did this happen" NOPE none of those thoughts cross my mind.  I just CRY!  Sounds awful, I know but it's where I am at right now and I don't mind it. It makes me feel closer to her and some of the videos in this little movie are what make me happy.  I love feeling like she is right in front of me.  I sometimes forget that some of you have never seen her in action. I wasn't big on posting videos because I was worried about her looking too sick but now I LOVE these videos and I embrace them!  She is our little girl and we are so proud of her. 

 I owe a HUGE thank you to Nick Marmarou for making this video for us.  You have become a great friend and I will help you and your wife with whatever decorating that needs to be done in your home! I am all yours! It's the least I could do for you.  

Grab some tissues.... {this first song is the song that I mentioned in an older post about how it always comes on when I sit down to blog- it will forever remind me of Micah "She's all we ever WANTED"}

We heart Micah

Saturday, October 13, 2012


As you all know we did not get any answers before Micah passed about what type of disease she had or where she got it from, which is INCREDIBLY frustrating. We knew that her muscles weren't progressing the way they should have so it wasn't a surprise to find out that she had an undiagnosed muscle myopathy(disease).  Before she passed, our Neurology team sent out 3 more genetic tests and those tests will probably take a couple weeks/months before we will get the results back.  We are so on edge about this.  We have no idea if what she had was inherited from us. MAJOR SAD FACE!  The thought that there is a possibility that this could happen again is devastating.  We have talked about us having another baby but we are both very very hesitant and of course we won't make any decisions until we get these tests back. We want Micah to have a brother or sister so that she can look down on them and be the most amazing big sister.  She deserves that! I need to post a pic of her because I miss seeing her face.....

I have had this post typed and ready to be published for 2 weeks now but I was just uneasy about posting it and I finally got the courage to hit publish. Yay for me right?  Well, there is so much I didn't say and I'm sure you know why.  It's such a terrifying feeling to think that maybe one day you might never be able to get pregnant again or maybe you were the one who caused Micah's disease or living with the unknown and then how awful would it be to have this happen again?   This is it, this is where everything gets REAL! Ughhhhhhh...........

Yes it's getting real and it's REALLY FREAKING AWESOME to receive a phone call a couple days ago from our genetic counselor (who I think is one of the smartest women I have ever met) who told us that they are 95% sure they have determined what Micah had.  WEIGHT lifted immediately.......AHHHHHH! I am jumping up and down over here.  This is the first time I have genuinely smiled on the inside since....well.... since a really long time. She also informed us that there is a chance Micah's myopathy was a spontaneous mutation of the ACTA1 gene.  Translation: it is very likely that this was not inherited which means it might not be possible that Bill and I are carriers of this mutated gene. HECK YEA!!!  I wish we could express our excitement into words but it is IMPOSSIBLE!  I guess you could compare it to winning the lottery. SERIOUSLY, this might be better than winning the lottery. You can't buy love right?  Again, 95% sure so we are still awaiting confirmation but she sounded very confident that this is just a fluke mutation of a gene.

So you are probably saying, "well what the heck did she have?" Micah had something called Nemaline Myopathy and this disease could have been cause by 6 different mutated genes.   In Micah's case the gene that caused her myopathy was the ACTA1 and in past findings they discovered that parents are not carriers for this occcurance. It is like a FREAK mutation and there was a 1 in 50,000 chance of this happening to any baby....WTF? WHY her?  We found out there was a baby born in 2003 that passed away at 2 mos from the same nemaline myopathy and he or she had the same exact mutated gene(ACTA1).  Their findings show that those two parents were not carriers either .... THANK GOD for their sake!  I would LOVE to meet them.  There is so much I am not explaining but it's really confusing so sorry if you don't understand.

We are so very happy and excited for our future now!  Still holding onto the fact that the genetic counselor is only 95% sure that this is what caused Micah's condition.  She will confirm when the other two genetic tests come back.  Who knows when that will be?!?!  Staying Positive!

Happy Birthday to our 3 month old Angel in Heaven! 
We Heart You Micah! 

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Signs from our Micah girl

When I think about Micah communicating with us it gives me the warmest feeling inside.  It's a feeling that I never want to go away.  There have been a bunch of different occasions that I am going to share with you guys. Starting with my favorite....

1. My dad had a hip replacement 3 days after Micah's funeral and even though being in a hospital was the last place we wanted to be it was a no brainer that we would go spend some time with him.  On our way home one day we were approaching the Betsy Ross Bridge and the weather had been crazy all day with tons of rain. So we're driving along and I look to left as I am driving on the bridge and it's so foggy out that I can't even see the water below us.  To the right of the bridge was even more dark sky that had just passed us.  We get to the middle of the bridge and we see this MASSIVE rainbow. I'm talking HUGE and its SOOOOOOOO bright.  Keep in mind seconds before you couldn't see a damn thing to the left and now we see this intensely bright rainbow.  It was so bright that we could actually see where the rainbow started.  Meaning it lit up the tops of the trees on the NJ side of the bridge and it looked like it was coming out of the trees.  It was almost as if we were in the eye of a storm because as soon as we got off the bridge we couldn't see it anymore. Seriously, it was nowhere to be found and there was absolutely NO sun anywhere.  I remember Bill saying "I've been alive for 55 yrs and I have never seen where a rainbow touches the ground."  We knew immediately it was Micah beaming down through those stormy clouds to say "Hi Mom and Dad, I'm okay and hanging out with this guy they call Jesus." CHILLS!

2. The next sign is Micah's way of communicating with her cousins. My nephew Tommy got a super cool remote control police car that he likes to press one button that makes this car spin in circles  He seriously doesn't drive it anywhere he just lets it circle in one place.  So I get a call one day from Holly and she says, "Micah is messing with all of us" and I was like what do you mean and then she said that the police car would turn and start circling out of nowhere.  They all were smiling saying "It's Micah!"

3. Bill and I were sitting on the beach the day we were planning on spreading some of Micah's ashes and we were asking Micah for a sign or I should say Bill was asking for a sign and I was like, "Ummmm you're crazy it doesn't work like that, we have to wait for her.  She won't do it on call." And of course we BOTH stared at the seagulls, the water, the clouds in search for this sign and it was what I expected.... NOTHING!  So we ended up going on with our day/night and it was a beautiful little ceremony we had.  The next morning we wake up, I'm sitting at the table sorting through all of those amazing photos that Becky took and Bill is hanging on the couch watching the tube.  He, like he ALWAYS does, was going through the pics of Micah on his phone reminiscing about all of the fun times and then he comes across this picture below.  He took it a couple minutes after we were talking about Micah sending us a sign on the beach. Prior to us talking about that I had taken a photo with my phone and posted it on facebook and there was nothing exciting in my pic other than the tops of my!

So he immediately sees this photo and was like "Shush, check this out. Do you think it's Micah?" and I immediately got chills once again.

 I noticed how bright it was up near the sky and it was beaming down right where we had planned on spreading her ashes.  We did it at a specific spot so we always know where to sit the next time we are there.  It was so Micah saying, "Mom you are wrong and Dad is right.  I can send signs whenever you want."  LOVE HER

4. I have the same routine every time I sit down to blog.  I park it on my awesome sectional, grab my laptop from my desk behind my sofa and I put on channel 429 on our TV(Today's Country) and I go to town.  Almost every time I turn the TV on and begin to write the same song comes on, and it did today when I started writing this post.  This has happened at least 5 times and it's not just any song it's a song we heard driving to the hospital every day this summer.  Not only is it a familiar song but every time it would come on in the car I would say, "yay it's Micah's song." I am not going to share the song because you will soon hear it on here in an upcoming post.  I would sometimes just bawl in my car signing this song.  The words totally apply to something so different from our situation but Love is Love and I loved relating the words to me taking care of my Micah Girl.  

5. My friend Alicia's daughter was doing her homework about 2 weeks ago and one of her problems looked like this:

Her daughter actually said " Look mom, just like baby Micah." Yup Micah is totally making me smile all the time. Thanks for sending this Alic!!!

6. The most recent sign was just yesterday. I of course was painting at Holly's house and I was in her upstairs foyer and I thought I heard a car door so I went into their master bedroom to look out the front window.  I wanted to make sure if Tom was home with kids that they knew they couldn't come upstairs.  I looked and no one was there but as I walked by their bed, Eva's old crib soother started playing music.  I guess Eva brought it into their room and was playing with it earlier that morning.  I had to go over and turn it off and it scared the bejesus out of me.  It sounded like the same tune that Micah's soother played while she was at CHOP.  I'm sure they all have the same music but I felt like it was her there with me.  It was a good day after that happened. No matter how far away she is I know she is with me wherever I go.

We heart you Micah Girl!

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Keeping Busy

Sooooooo.....we all know I LOVE to paint and I LOVE to decorate/organize.  Painting is so incredibly soothing to me.  I can pop open a can of paint, throw some pandora on and go to town.  I have found that painting has been a huge help for me in this RIDICULOUSLY challenging time.  It allows me to feel this sense of freedom to do whatever I want; no rules, no time constraints, I can cry whenever I want and most importantly I can transform something great into something AMAZING.  If you are all wondering what I have been painting, I am here to tell you.  My VERY pregnant sister, Holly and her adorable family, just recently moved into a new house.  She settled days after Micah had passed and I really believe it was a TRUE blessing that this happened.  If any of you know me, you know I was drooling at the chance to attack her new house.  I say it was blessing because I now have something to consume my days with, my sister will let me do whatever I want and it is something that I LOVE LOVE LOVE to do. 

Sooooo I dove right in! I am currently in the middle of painting their upstairs and downstairs foyer and we have already had the popcorn ceilings removed in the living room and dining room.  I also snagged Greg Hanson (my handyman) and had him install a backsplash the first weekend they moved in.  It all happened so fast but I am so glad they took my advice and were COMPLETELY on board with my vision. Their kitchen looks GORGEOUS and Mr. Hanson did a rockstar job on the splash!  Sometimes I forget it's NOT my house so I want to THANK Holly and Tom for letting me run loose in their casa.   

Before I leave I want to share this quick mirror makeover that I am just soooooo excited about.  I snagged this super rustic mirror from homegoods and I knew it was perfect for a certain wall in Holly's house but it just wasn't the right color.  The next day I picked up some paint and before they came home from work it was painted and ready to be hung.  Check it out.... 


 I had a little helper along the way... 
My niece Anna

Before                                                                    After
 I am so smitten over this project and all it took was a can of paint to transform this already stunning mirror.  Wait until you see it in the space, it is ridic!!!!

As you can see I LIVE for decorating and I wouldn't have it any other way.  I am so happy that I have this as an outlet and it is something I absolutely ENJOY doing. After going through what I went through this summer I have completely re-evaluated my life and realized I have to go after what I want and NEVER hold back.  This has been a MAJOR revelation for me and I am excited to tell you all that I plan on launching my very own decorating blog VERY VERY soon so stay tuned.  It's one step in the right direction and I hope you all will check it out.

                                                                      I heart Painting and Micah!

A special Thank You!

I just wanted to pop in and give a special THANK YOU to an amazing photographer who was able to capture our love for Micah girl in only a few hours.  I honestly don't know what I'd do without these photos.  They were really really difficult to look at last week but I will treasure them for the rest of my life.  Soooooo, we want to thank Stephanie Singer for donating her precious time, ON HER BIRTHDAY, to come shoot our little girl!  You did the most beautiful job and we will be FOREVERRRRRRR grateful.  XOXO Michelle and Bill

We Heart Stephanie! 

We heart Micah!

Friday, September 28, 2012


It will be 1 month tomorrow since Micah has passed and it feels like it's been an ETERNITY without her.  =( =(  =( =(  We want her back desperately! 

P.s.  A VERY VERY special thanks to Stephanie Singer Photography for capturing this delicate time in our lives.  We really can't thank you enough!!!!

We heart Stephanie!

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Gifts to Remember

We have received some of the MOST AMAZING gifts from family, friends, and people that I would have NEVER expected to reach out to us.  We can't thank you all enough for these beautiful gestures. We got excited every time we came home and found something new on our doorstep or in our mailbox. We still do (some of these gifts arrived this week). Although we were excited we knew tears were sure to follow. It became a routine for us to open the mail together because we knew we both didn't want to be alone.  Almost every one of these gifts had brought us to tears and most of the time they were happy tears because we were so touched to see who had sent them.  
I hope you enjoy looking at these gifts as much as I do....

This first one is an amazing personalized frame that has all of Micah's digits on it.  I COMPLETEY love love love the colors and the fonts/design.  The funny thing is I have two of these lovely frames because two friends of mine, that don't know each other, sent them to me. How crazy is that?  They both picked the same colors and design.  Great minds think alike! 

<3 Thanks Carrie and Alicia <3

This frame is SOOOO my style and I love this pic of our baby girl! Perfect match.
<3 Thanks Debbie S. <3

These Willow Tree Figurines are so meaningful to us.  I get so much comfort from them. 
<3 Thank you to Mary Ellen, Leigh and Lori for sending them our way! <3

This was the very first framed pic we had in our house and I actually picked this one up for us.  I am so happy we took SOOOOO many pictures of Micah.  We have at least 1 picture for every one of her miraculous days with us.  I love surrounding her with these angels.  She is our angel and it seems as though she has found her home with them.

The night we received this book Bill read the first couple of pages and before I knew it he was handing it over to me so that I could read it. Yup, he read that bad boy in about 3 hours. 

Thanks to some great friends we've received two copies of this book!  
<3 Thank Jessica and Laura <3

 After reading this, we KNOW Micah is sitting on Jesus's lap and hanging out with all of our loved ones that have passed.  If you've never heard of this book it is a MUST read, it is about a 3 yr. old boy who was having an emergency surgery and he goes to heaven for a short period of time.  His parents didn't realize this until months later when they had a discussion with him in the car on their way to their vacation spot. They had passed the turn they would normally make to go the hospital and they said to Colton jokingly, "Hey Colton, if we turn here, we can go back to the hospital. Do you wanna go back to the hopsital?" He giggled and said, "No Daddy, don't send me! Send Cassie(his sister) to the hospital!" They all laughed and then his mom asked him if he remembered the hospital and he said "Yes mommy, I remember. That's where the angels sang to me." Both parents looked at each other in SHOCK, like "did he just say what we think he said?" 

I still get chills every time I read that part. If you want to know what happens next
 BUY the book. It's awesome!

While I was reading I was using this adorable bookmark. Yup that is Bill at 5 months.  Bill had told me that he didn't have any of his baby pictures in his possession and I don't remember organizing them, as I do all of his stuff.  So I asked his sister Sue if she had any and she knew exactly where they were.  She found a whole stack and this one stands out in my mind as "OMG that is so Micah."  

These are the only pictures I could find that captured what I see in my mind.  Micah looked so much like Bill in person.  You can sort of see her cute little butt chin in the pic on the left and then they both have those "heart shaped" top lips.

This next gift is so much fun.  It's an awesome necklace for me(which I love) and a ball marker(genius) for Bill.  What a cool way to remember Micah, so thoughtful.  Bill, as you all know, LOVES golf and he is out for the first time today playing with his brother. He left saying "pray that I make contact...LOL."  We all know that he will and he will probably come in under par(he is soooo good).  I'm sure he is using this ball mark as I type. 

<3 Thanks Alicia <3

You all read here why this gift is so special to us =)
<3 Thanks Shirley<3

Another beachy gift that is fun and whimsical.  This one was purchased the week Micah was born and we truly believe that God made our friend buy this for us knowing that Micah would eventually be swimming with the dolphins one day. So CRAZY!
 We can't wait for summer so we can go swimming with her and it's only Sept. 23rd...grrrrrrr, it's so far away.

<3 Thanks Leigh <3

This poem was specifically written for our Micah girl.  Our friend Carol thought of everything when writing this.  It says it all....

<3 Thanks Carol, this means the world to us! <3

A poem for Micah...   

We never dreamed about you;
we never imagined you would come to be.
We expected someone entirely different.
So we weren't prepared in any way
for what you would bring to our lives.

It has been said that the greatest gifts
are those we don't expect.
And you were exactly that:
Our Greatest Gift.
You came perfect into an imperfect world:
one that didn't have the answers,
one that wouldn't explain the why,
one that couldn't give you what you needed.

Yet your purpose,
though clouded in anguish
at the beginning,
became crystal clear:
you were Heaven on earth,
an angel with invisible wings
sent to teach us about
the length others would go for someone in need,
the beauty in the simplest of accomplishments,
the joy in a flowered hat,
the safety of a nap on a doting father's chest
or the pure delight of being rocked in a mother's adoring arms.

You stayed long enough for us to learn
what pure devotion is,
what family truly means,
what genuine sacrifice is,
what unknown strength and courage we have
even when the odds are not in our favor,
what true love is.

You have changed us forever.
We will take nothing for granted,
not even the most insignificant thing.
Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks
will all have meaning and purpose.
People and what they can and will do
will matter more.
Family ties and friendships
will feel deeper, longer-lasting,
more loving.

And heaven will be a bit closer
because that's where angels are,
perfect beings with dreams, and wishes,
and joys all their own.
It's where they can dance in the sun,
run in the grass,
jump in the puddles,
and hold their mouths wide open
to catch the glorious raindrops.
It's where you are.

You were our Heaven on earth,
Our Perfect Angel.
We will live each day
remembering you and
cherishing who you are.
With grand and beautiful wings
you soared to the place
where we know you need to be,
where you have been made well and will be kept safe
until we can come
to hold your hand again.

If you were all wondering what food I dove into after I had Micah, well you guessed it....FRUIT and tons of it.  I was still craving it like crazy even after she was born so when we received a number of these arrangements, I was in HEAVEN! 

<3 Thanks MomMom Nestel, Johnny, Dave & Nancy <3

One of my ex-students/field hockey players from RV sent me this "remembrance" necklace and I think it is beautiful.  It was so meaningful to receive this gift from her because it made me feel as though I had touched her life in such a way that she felt a need to send this. 
<3 Thanks Katie <3 
 You are a great kid =)

If you look up in the sky you can now see a bright shining star that has been named Micah Dylan Turner. That's right people, this next gift is a certificate from the International Star Registry and it states that Micah has her own star.  We couldn't help but smile from ear to ear when we got this in the mail. We are so interested in learning about the stars now and we have the Sweeney's to thank for that! Coolest idea everrrrrr......

<3 Thank You Alyssa, Dennis and Luca <3

There she is.....

We can't wait to read more about her star and it's location. 

This necklace here is so tiny and perfect and it was given to me by an old high school field hockey teammate. I haven't spoken to her since high school so I am sure you can imagine the shock it was to receive this. (People are amazing!!!!) It has these adorable baby footprints on the front and then Micah's name on the back.  It also has her birthstone, which is Ruby. I <3 it

<3 Thanks Missy <3

I'm sure you are all saying "OMG... another necklace?" I know I know but I am so happy because I now have OPTIONS and any girl loves having options in the morning.   I know I will be too scared to wear my heart necklace every day to work, so now I have these 3 different necklaces to choose from.  And let's not forget about my "push gift" that I got from Billy when I had Micah.  So that makes a total of 5 Micah necklaces.  I am one lucky girl. 

Here is a beautiful Wind Chime that has the most comforting saying on it. It also has Micah's name on the back.  I love hearing it out on my porch. 

<3 Thanks Aunt Joanna <3

We got our first Christmas ornament for Micah! 

I lost it when I saw this and read the inside.  The words say it all, " 48 days of Pure Courage."  We feel like that sums up Micah's entire life.  Up until her last breath she refused to give up or quit.  It was like she just wanted to know that we were going to be okay before she left us and that is EXACTLY what we told her and then she soon passed. This ornament reminds me of that moment and I think it's amazing how Larissa thought to have those exact words engraved. We love you Larissa!  I don't think you know how much this gift struck a nerve with us. 

<3 Thanks Larissa <3

Here are some pics of the flowers that were delivered to us.  They are all just so pretty and it DOES brighten my day when I walk downstairs to see them blooming in the sunlight.  
Thanks to the following people for taking time out of your day to send us these beautiful flowers! 
<3 The Abrams, The McAlpins &  The Lutzs <3 

This next group of girls sent me these pink roses and a generous donation to CHOP.  They are my brother's group of girlfriends from high school.  No.... he didn't date all of them they are just friends...LOL!  

<3 Thanks Ladies <3
 Lauren V.  Diane D.  Marisa H.  Renee S.  Laura L.  Erica L.  Lisa T.  Dana M.  Krissy M. Angie P.

I can't forget all of the incredible cards we have received.  It is REALLY REALLY overwhelming to look back at these stacks and know that we are loved by SOOOOOO many. 
<3 We love you all <3 

Yup, these two piles are growing every day and we are so touched.  It helps us get through the days when we know someone out there is thinking about us.  Thanks for all of your support. 

This is the last and final gift I am going to share and it SURE IS a very special one.  My Aunt Cindy, who has also experienced a loss similar to ours,  has been a HUGE help through all of this.  She has continued to reach out in many ways and one that I will always remember is this poem she sent me. She has it framed in her house and she reads it often.  She explained that it helps her and it WILL help us remember that we were the lucky ones to have been chosen to parent God's special angels.
 Here it goes.... 

To ALL Parents

"I'll lend you for a while a child of mine,"
He said.
"For you to love while she lives and mourn for 
when she's dead.
It may be six or seven years, or twenty two or
But will you, till I call her back, take care of 
her for me?
She'll bring her charms to gladden you, and should
her stay be brief,
You'll have her lovely memories as solace for 
your grief.
I cannot promise she will stay; since all from
earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there I
want this child to learn.
I've looked the wide world over in My search
for teachers true
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes
I have selected you.
Now will you give her all your love, not think
the labor vain,
 Nor hate Me when I come to call to take 
her back again?"
I fancied that I heard them say, "Dear Lord, 
Thy will be done!
For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the 
risk of grief will run. 
We'll shelter her with tenderness, we'll
love her while we may,
And for the happiness we've known, forever
grateful say;
But should the angels call for her much sooner 
than we've planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and 
try to understand."

<3 Thanks for helping us remember this, Aunt Cindy! We love you <3

We heart Micah!