Dream Board

Grief can really steer your brain away from reality. You become obsessed with pain and you feel like happiness does not exist in the world.  You see others smile and you think they are lying to themselves because the world couldn't possibly be that great for everyone else and not you.  You are smothered with thoughts of guilt, thoughts of what if I had done this, thoughts that are just not realistic.  You become consumed by these, as I like to call them, poisonous thoughts.  They grow and grow and grow and before you know it you are a tree covered in poison ivy and you can't breathe.  Grief is inevitable in life. We will all experience it at one point or another.  No loss is greater than the other.  Loss is loss. Hurt is hurt. We are all human and we all feel pain, some more than others. It's just how the dice gets rolled. One thing I didn't understand about my loss or think would ever happen was how much it could incapacitate me and my daily functions.  I've come to learn what my "triggers" are and things I should not partake in if it's going to leave me spiraling out of control.  It took me a really long time to learn what those triggers were but once I closed in on them I was able to prevent a lot of unnecessary heartache.  Like I said above grief can take you down a very very DARK path and it is scary.  You feel suffocated, trapped, smothered, hopeless, cheated, and most of all UNLOVED and ALONE. The thoughts that follow those feelings are so deep and entangled it is almost impossible to just stop thinking them.  You can't distract your brain from them like you would if you were suffering from a rough break up or the loss of your job.  The thoughts are your REALity even though they are so FAR from what you would normally find yourself thinking about. They become your daily focus and now it is completely clear why I couldn't even shower some days.

I'm sure you are all wondering"well....how the heck do you get out of that hell?" If you are grieving the loss of a loved one my only advice is to start small and do simple simple tasks around the house. Some days you will just go back to bed but others you might make big strides and end up taking those small tasks a step further.  Before you know it you are at target talking with a friend you hadn't seen in a couple months and also buying a shit ton of stuff you don't need or you are outside going for run.  Just like the poison ivy grows and grows, the same thing happens in reverse, you take one positive step and you find yourself at the top of a hill looking down at everything you accomplished. You feel empowered and you want to do it again the next day.  The trick is to not look up at that hill thinking it isn't doable.  Don't look up just keep looking down and focus on moving your feet.

I am currently in that positive spiral effect right now.  I never thought I'd blog again but I took that first step and let my feelings out and now look at me go...I'm letting the feelings flow through my fingers as I type each week.  It's so therapeutic that EVERYONE grieving should type their feelings.  We can type a whole lot faster than we can write and it feels like we are ridding our minds of these thoughts and feelings faster than we ever could before. I am climbing that hill each day and it doesn't feel like a daunting task anymore.  I am back to teaching, working out like usual but not obsessing about it(that could be another whole post in itself, maybe another day), meeting up with friends to catch up on their lives(even though those days can set me back because I end up rehashing my recent weeks but it still feels good to speak to humans), and finally I am LIVING and thinking normal everyday thoughts again.  The grief will never consume me AGAIN!  I refuse to let it.  I have worked way too hard to dig myself out of that poison ivy, I want to feel free EVERY day and so the uphill battle continues.  My life will never be easy but I have to remember the set of tools I've learned along the way in order to live my life as healthy as possible.

I recently created a "dream board" in order to force myself to focus on everything I want from this one life I have. I am trying to keep the positivity flowing and it honestly makes me feel so good to look at it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  I have complete faith that I will make all of the things on my board HAPPEN and happen SOON!  I refuse to sit back and wait.  I will have everything I want and more because I deserve it and I want to the be the person to reward MYSELF.  A good friend keeps reminding me that " GOOD THINGS ARE GOING TO HAPPEN" and I get excited every time she writes me those words.  BRING IT ON! I'm ready.

My dream board list: 

1. Travel the world

2. SOULMATE (One day, someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else) 

3. Wedding of my dreams (Get married under a beautifully lit tree with a massive heart(representing Micah's presence) on the trunk)

4. Rocks = BALANCE (doing everything in my life in moderation and not obsessing over ANYTHING)

5. LOVE ME in every shape, every emotion, EVERY DAY (love yourself first and everything else will fall into place)

6. Power over my thoughts ( Once you become consciously aware of just how powerful your thoughts are, you will realize everything in your life is exactly how YOU allow it to be)

7. A beautiful loving FAMILY

8. ALWAYS SHARE MY STORY (never stop talking about Micah with others including strangers)

9. Declaration of Intention ( This year I will "find balance." I will let go of the "anger" and embrace the "grief."  I will honor "my daughter" and love my "self."  I will stand up and share my "heart" with the world. 

10. JERF (Just Eat Real Food) - Real food= nourishing, sustainable, and delicious/ Healthy living is why I'm smiling/Happy taking care of my body/ Working out gives me Energy

11. ALWAYS GIVE (giving is the antidote to emptiness)

I hope I've inspired you all to create your own board because we ALL deserve to reward ourselves with EVERYTHING we want in this ONE life we get.  

DREAM AWAY!!!!!!