"I Am Open To New Beginnings"
This is my new mantra. I have changed. I am approaching my 7th year post loss and if you didn't know, the 7th year in the life cycle equates to CHANGE. Every cell in our bodies change. We change whether we like it or not. The past 7 months have brought SO MUCH CHANGE into my existence. I can't even explain the amount of growth I have made emotionally/spiritually. If that last word scares you, it's okay it's not for you, it's for me. For me, spirituality represents my connection to Micah/spirit/angels etc. This connection is deeper than any kind of love I think I will ever experience here in the physical world. There are no words for what my body physically feels when I see the simple shape of a heart. It's beyond me, it's out of this world, it's powerful, it's grounding, it's freeing, it's happiness, it's pain, it's spiritual, it's something I want everyone to experience, IT'S PURE LOVE. I just want to spread that shit errrywhere. Those hearts have been guiding me through this 7th year. Although I've already made a good amount of progress I still feel stuck in all of these large shifts. I have peeled a few layers of dead skin off but I still feel weighed down. It's because I am resisting change. I don't want it. I keep getting signs that point me in a certain direction and I question them. When have I ever been someone who questions a sign from Micah?! When those signs hit me, my imagination kicks in. I begin to creatively see my life going in a completely different direction buuuuuuuut then the fear kicks in. I keep telling myself, "Other people won't accept this new you, this isn't how you used to do things. Let's go back and stick to what has worked in the past. Let's stay comfortable. Let's not venture out and try new things because what if we fail? What if we aren't accepted or loved?" THIS IS NOT ME, nor is it who I strive to be. I am fearless. I am not scared of anything. I have been through worse. Why am I all of sudden listening to that weak voice? Moving my body through the physical pain of a workout has taught me to push beyond those mental barriers. But what lies under that fear is what is creating this blockage. It is so scary that even fearless Shush is terrified to tap into it. The proof of my fear is in my body. I am always so self aware of what's going on with it but for the last two months the fear has made me disconnect from it. Our subconscious holds onto everything. For me, there is trauma in there, there is pain, there is loss, there is heartbreak and there is abandonment. There is a massive build up of negative energy that needs to be released. But haven't I already dealt with all of that? It's been 6 years. Don't I have a grip on things now? If only grief were that simple and predictable. Grief is three c's thiccc, as my students would say...lol. It is deep deep deep down within us. I feel incredibly heavy because of it. I have literally gained weight. I have been able to maintain a healthy weight for years now, why is my body all of sudden failing me? Our bodies are beautiful. They tell us when something is wrong. It's not about the food or the workouts. It's a clear sign that negative energy is living and building within me and if I don't let it out, it will only get worse. Disease will follow. But I am struggling to find the courage to peel back another layer of my grief. I have anger. I feel like I've already successfully dealt with so many different stages of my grief. Why do I have to keep rehashing shit? Haven't I had enough? The answer is simple. THERE IS MORE TO LEARN. There are more layers than I thought. I need to better understand who I am supposed to become through this change. I need to LISTEN more. I need to give myself GRACE. I need to chill the f out. I need to pray on it. I need to LET IT OUT. Year 7 will consist of me shedding this old skin that has callused over the years. I am ready to connect with myself on a deeper level. Let's peel that shit back and see who this new Shush is <3 Who's with me?
