It's been a very dark 2 years with some bright and sunny short-lived days. I've just wanted to hide in my cave and not let anyone in because it always ends in disappointment. I, for sure, feel doomed. I was naive to think that my life would be easy after being dealt such a shitty hand. It is such a mind f#$* to battle this kind of grief along with trying to live life. It feels like I'm screaming in a crowded room for help and no one even blinks. They aren't blinking because they don't care, they just are so incapable of understanding the magnitude of the hurt. The feeling that no one can make this pain stop is something I just can't understand. For real.... I can't understand how it can't be fixed. My brain honestly really struggles with this. In my 32 years on this planet any pain I ever had has always subsided or ended with time, whether it was physical pain from smashing my legs with a killer workout in the gym or the pain after a break up or even the pain after losing a family member. The "deep" pain always ends or dulls at some point. The pain I feel now is like nothing I could ever explain and it is for sure getting worse. It's something that blows physical agony out of the water. This hurt has turned me into someone I don't even recognize anymore. I AM ANGRY and I am so sick of being me. I want out NOW. I want a fresh new life with new memories and new beginnings. My skin crawls with any thoughts about Micah that swarm my brain. I used to be a soft, caring, happy, beautiful, lively girl who wanted nothing more than to make people happy with my kind words and sweet gestures. How can I focus on being that person when I'm itching to get out of my own skin every minute of every day. Because I can't just step out of my skin and become someone completely different the anger grows. It gets even worse when someone tries to tell me to get out and do certain things to jump start my happiness again. How dare you! As if you have any idea what's right for me or what I battle on a daily basis. God, Micah, and I all have to laugh when those moments happen because it is so absurd. My situation is so deep and complex that even my therapist can't give me a solution or tips on how to deal/cope. And by the way, it's probably not a good idea to ask someone who is grieving if they are "talking to someone." It's none of your business and NO, a therapist cannot wave a magical wand that will make it all disappear so that you don't have to worry about us going off the deep end. That can still happen by the way. Sorry for the sarcasm but I did tell you I was angry. You care and we appreciate that, we do, but it's complicated. PERIOD.
I wish things were different but they aren't and this is my reality. I'm not going to be sorry for doing what I need to do in order to keep myself alive and kicking because that's exactly what it comes down to. It's SURVIVAL at this point and no one could have ever warned me about how bad this would be. You all just gasped and covered your mouths when you heard about Micah because the unimaginable feelings of losing a child were so frightening that not a word could have been said. I GET IT NOW! I was oblivious the first year, so naive to what really happened. I actually stare at myself in the mirror multiple times a week and say "yes, you were pregnant, holy shit you had a baby and she's DEAD, GONE, it wasn't a dream!" The struggle is real my friends, but the one constant thing blaring loud in bright neon lights out for all the world to see is how much I LOVE that little girl. LOVE IS POWERFUL and PAINFUL!
I forever heart Micah.