Sunday, October 19, 2014

Being Vulnerable = Being Connected

One of the items on my dream board is to always share my story.  I included that because I have come to realize that it is a CRUCIAL piece to my healing process.  For about 6 months, I wanted to forget my story and erase my past.  That was probably one of the deadliest thoughts I could have ever had.  It was the grief talking. I wanted to run away and start all over.  After I came to and realized my story is apart of me and who I am, all kinds of doors opened.  I found myself talking about Micah more and talking about my grief, which in turn made me feel alive. I found that spark inside myself again. By the way, those doors didn't open by themselves either.  I put myself out there, I shared my vulnerability, I shared my anger, and in return I unlocked every door that was keeping me trapped in that dark room I like to call HELL.  The minute I stopped sharing my story I turned that key, locked myself in that room and STOPPED living.  I have no doubt that so many other parents are doing the exact same thing.  I am writing this now in hopes that ONE grieving parent will read this and have the strength to set themselves free.

Our children are our entire lives.  They are why we wake up every morning, they give us strength to get through the tough days, they keep us grounded and make us realize that any insignificant life issues we face will slowly fade away when we walk through that door and see their smiling face running towards us screaming " Mommy" or "Daddy." Those are the moments we live for.  As grieving parents we need to hold onto those moments and keep talking about them. As long as we do that, they will always be here and we are the ones that have to keep their spirit strong. If we don't then who will?

Connection is why we are here on earth.  We are neurobiologically wired to seek connection with other humans.  Connection gives us purpose and meaning to our lives.  Shame is the fear of disconnection.  No one wants to talk about it and the more you don't talk about it the more you HAVE IT.  The shame a grieving parent feels is excruciating.  It's not the shame you are thinking of. (ie: an alcoholic might feel shame for the choices they've made in the past). I can't speak for everyone grieving but I feel ashamed of the fact that I am an outcast.  I feel like a freak some days.  I don't feel connected. I feel ashamed of most of my emotions because I'm not sure if they are normal.(whatever normal is anyway)  We feel like if people find out about our shame we won't be worthy of connection. We feel like we are doomed.  The idea of being "seen" is terrifying but in order to reconnect with humans again we have to be SEEN.  Being seen means being vulnerable.

I've learned there is nothing to feel ashamed of.  It is completely normal to be vulnerable and to feel weak because LOOK at all we've lost.  We lost our lives essentially.  We lost that spark that was lit when our children were born. We lost those special moments to look forward to.  We don't have those smiles and hugs to share at the end of every day.  But if we don't open up and expose ourselves then we will never be able to connect with the world again and we will never FEEL again.  We have to break out of that dark room by sharing our story.  We are responsible for keeping our spirits alive along with the spirits of our children.  In doing so, we just might help change the lives of EVERYONE around us and how awesome would that be to know that lives all around us are changing for the better because of OUR son or daughter's legacy.  That right there is called CONNECTING, INSPIRING, EMPOWERING, and most of all LIVING. Let's make our short time here on earth the very best it can be. We can't let the darkness suck us in.

I know for a fact that Micah has changed hundreds of lives.  Last Wednesday(Oct. 15th) was "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day." That will be a day I will never forget.   I stepped out of my way for a moment and allowed myself to be vulnerable. I didn't hide from the world and light my own candle in the sad darkness I had been living in.  I took a risk and invited all of my friends and family(hundreds of people) on social media to join me in the celebration on that special day.  The amount of people that participated in the "wave of light at 7pm" in memory of Micah and many other angels was INCREDIBLE.  My phone was blowing up all night, through the night, and into the morning.  I felt like Micah was alive again.  I felt like I had just given birth to her and everyone was congratulating me.  I was bringing her to life again and it felt so good.  I can't even explain the feelings that flooded my body.  I LET MYSELF BE SEEN!  I wasn't afraid.  I realized in that moment that I am so grateful to be able to experience such deep, passionate connection and LOVE.  Some people walk this earth and never experience this GREAT LOVE.  This is why being vulnerable and sharing your story will change YOUR life and the lives of everyone around you. It is why we are here on this earth.  Don't be scared to feel again.  I know it is a risk but I have told myself over and over again that I would never trade my story for the world. Would you trade yours?  Micah and I are theeeeee most powerful act of love that I will ever experience. I want the world to see it = I want to CHANGE THE WORLD!

Some pics from Oct. 15th

My great friend Alyssa and her husband Dennis were there to light a candle with me along with my mom and my other angel momma friend, Bethann(not pictured). 

These are some posts from my family lighting their candles for Micah! 

My sister Holly's 4 kids:

My brother's daughters: 
Kasey - 10

My brother Dave and his girlfriend Stacy lighting their candle all the way from Arizona while on a work/vacay trip. 

My sister Julie lit her candle along side Micah's handprints <3

I want to give a HUGE thank you to everyone that posted, emailed, or texted pics of their beautifully lit candles in memory of Micah.  I am so grateful for all of you taking the time to share your love.  I feel connected with the world again, I feel like I have a purpose and I have my vulnerability to thank for that.  Even if you have never lost a child, you can benefit from exposing yourself to other humans.  The minute we start sharing is the minute we start living.

Happy Sunday =)


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