Friday, November 7, 2014

Love of My Life

I've talked about Micah being the love of my love many times and how I am so lucky to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.  It is such a strange concept and some days I feel completely different about it.  One minute the pain is awful and I think, " I hate this and I want it gone" but then the next minute I think about Micah never being here and that's just wrong to think or even say out loud. Every day is SOOO different but the tough days are definitely fewer and far between. Today is one of those tough days. More like a tough few hours.  I try not to let it last all day.  So here is what I'm feeling today...

Feeling that deep internal love for someone that you created is ...well...just....the most powerful thing a human can feel.  On the reverse side of things it is also the most painful thing to feel when we lose that precious miracle.  We dreamt of a future for them, we wanted to give them everything we never had. We lost all of those hopes and dreams for who they might become, we lost the chance to hear them laugh or see them smile, we will never know what they would have been like as a child, a teenager, and an adult.  The pain of that kind of loss can't be measured on a scale of 1 to 10.  It can't even be put into words.  It is a deep cut into your soul and dulls everything around it leaving you lifeless.  The pain I feel RIGHT NOW is unbearable, it makes me not care about anything in my life.  Everything is meaningless, it's hopeless, I'm hopeless, the world just doesn't matter anymore.  How can the pain be so bad if not worse 2 years later?(perfect example of why you should never put a timeline on someone's grieving process-click here to read about that) Who gives a crap about working out, eating healthy, making money, buying clothes, decorating houses, spending time with other people's kids, listening to other people's problems?  Every second of every day I want to be doing something different than what I am actually doing. I want to be hugging and kissing MY baby. I want to be raising her to be the most amazing human ever. There isn't a minute that goes by that I don't think about doing that.  I find myself crying on my couch and wanting desperately to reach for comfort from someone. Maybe text my sisters, or my best friend, or even Bill? But none of that sounds appealing but yet I still just want to be held.  What else can I do?  I can't breathe.  I can't move.  I'm shaking. I'm alone. How do you cope with this? I know what I want and what I need but I can't have it, at least not for a really long time.  I want the love of my life back.  I want to breathe again.  I want Micah.  

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